| ss="bottom-link"> | | | | with someone else unless we ask. In |
| | | | today’s multicultural offices, it’s |
| There’s a piece circulating the Internet | | | | particularly dangerous to assume the meaning of |
| now called When You Thought I | | | | an action, gesture or expression. Did you know |
| Wasn’t Looking. It’s attributed | | | | that in the Middle East, one of the most insulting |
| to a former child, so I don’t know | | | | things you can do is show another person the |
| whom to credit. It begins with, When you | | | | sole of your shoe? Tell that to the lawyer whose |
| thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you hang | | | | office I entered the other day, who routinely talks |
| my painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately | | | | on the phone with his feet on the desk, soles |
| wanted to paint another one. It’s about | | | | pointing toward the incoming visitor! |
| the things we inadvertently teach’ our | | | | Only a discussion about what’s going on |
| kids. | | | | can get us inside one another’s mind and |
| Its many examples show we teach not what we | | | | heart. In the heat of the moment, such a |
| know, but who we are, which is as true in the | | | | discussion may have to be postponed, but for |
| workplace as it is in the home, regardless of the | | | | good relationships and learning, it does need to |
| age of participants. It pertains to emotional | | | | take place. The feelings need to be addressed, |
| intelligence, which I coach, which includes the | | | | and the often-misinterpreted nonverbal displays |
| competency of Intentionality — doing what | | | | untangled. |
| you intend to do. | | | | INTENTIONALITY |
| EQ means understanding emotions (yours and | | | | If you want to model good deeds for your child, |
| others’), being able to manage and | | | | and make a cake to bring to an ailing neighbor, be |
| express them appropriately, and understanding | | | | sure you address all parts of the action, e.g., |
| the effect you have on others. Like learning about | | | | make sure you’re teaching what you |
| pride in work in the example above, we | | | | mean to be teaching. This is Intentionality, an EQ |
| can’t learn EQ just by reading about it. We | | | | competency. If you perform the act begrudgingly, |
| can’t get it’ by listening to | | | | as some sort of onerous duty, throwing |
| someone else talk about it. We need to see it in | | | | the ingredients together and complaining the whole |
| action. We also need to put something out there | | | | time about how overworked you are, you will |
| and observe the results. To learn, we need to | | | | have defeated your deeper purpose. Unless you |
| have pointed out to us what is going on, during | | | | mean to teach that life is about detrimental |
| and after the fact, because the emotional | | | | self-sacrifice and suffering. |
| component can fog our thinking. | | | | If on the other hand, you happily make the cake |
| You are being watched, yes, and you are also | | | | and dance out the door to deliver it, your child |
| being misinterpreted. | | | | may miss the point that sometimes helping others |
| INTERPRETING NONVERBAL BEHAVIOR | | | | may require some inconvenience on one’s |
| Whatever we are trying to teach our children, or | | | | own part. |
| those around us, it isn’t stretching a point | | | | Many things we do contain ambiguity, the hardest |
| to say that a child could misinterpret the hanging | | | | thing for kids to figure out. Does Mom like |
| of a painting on the refrigerator. You never know | | | | what she’s doing, or doesn’t |
| how a child is going to put things together, just as | | | | she?’ Emotions are complex and so are |
| you never know how another adult will. One little | | | | our motives. We need instruction in their |
| fellow in my household was incensed that I had | | | | management. I recall telling my niece, No I |
| hung his painting on the refrigerator, not proud. In | | | | don’t like to clean toilets. However, I like |
| the ensuing discussion, it turned out he thought if | | | | the feeling I get when the house is clean. |
| I’d really liked it, I would’ve framed | | | | OUTCOMES |
| it and hung it on the wall. That’s for | | | | In the workplace, if you cheerfully take on extra |
| babies, he said, pointing at the refrigerator. | | | | assignments, you put yourself at-risk for being |
| I watched a scene the other day in the | | | | taken advantage of. If you’re putting forth |
| workplace, where a boss had foisted a stiff | | | | extra effort, you don’t need to wear a |
| deadline on her assistant. The assistant looked | | | | hair-shirt about it, but if you don’t point out |
| intense as she started the job, then had to move | | | | what you’re doing, it can and will be used |
| to another desk when the computer locked up. | | | | against you. Typical boss mentality dictates |
| The boss started massaging her shoulders, saying, | | | | Sheila never complains, so she’s OK. |
| I hate to stress you this way. | | | | Fred complains all the time. Therefore I’ll |
| The assistant had sensitive neck muscles, so the | | | | give Fred a raise. |
| massage caused pain instead of relief. It was also | | | | EMOTIONAL EXPRESSION |
| distracting. Also, because of the statement, she | | | | One of the EQ competencies is emotional |
| had to worry about her boss’ feelings as | | | | expression. However, EQ isn’t only about |
| well as her own plus do the job. | | | | emotions, it’s about the interface between |
| The assistant turned, drew a deep breath and | | | | thinking and feeling. We always need to explain |
| said, with a big smile on her face, I appreciate | | | | ourselves to others, our self including both |
| the massage, but it hurts and it’s | | | | actions and feelings. Therefore we use our |
| distracting. I’m trying to concentrate. | | | | intellect to explain our emotions. Good relationships |
| I’m not angry at being asked to do this, | | | | require letting others know how you’re |
| and not angry at you. What I am is frustrated | | | | feeling right away, alerting them immediately if |
| because .. and she listed the chronic computer | | | | they’re off-course. It requires explaining |
| inadequacies. What would help, she said, | | | | that look on your face. |
| is if you would
and gave her boss | | | | Martha was having trouble at work. She was told |
| something concrete to do that would forward the | | | | in her performance review that no one liked to |
| task. | | | | work with her. In coaching, she discovered that |
| Later, when the job was finished, they took up | | | | when she was focused, she had a look on her |
| the conversation again. I like to shine, the | | | | face that was misinterpreted as anger. When she |
| assistant said, and I can’t when I | | | | became aware of the effect she was having on |
| don’t have the proper equipment. | | | | others, she learned to modify her nonverbal |
| The boss made a note to address that problem. | | | | behavior, i.e., to stop and smile when |
| PROCESSING EMOTIONALLY-LADEN EVENTS | | | | concentrating, and explain, so others would not be |
| The same scenario is played out daily in every | | | | off-put. |
| office. There’s no way two people | | | | OTHERS ARE WATCHING
AND |
| won’t be affected by the feelings of the | | | | MISINTERPRETING |
| other; and, counter-intuitively, if one is trying to | | | | Whatever you’re doing, know the effect |
| hide feelings, the effect is even greater. The less | | | | you’re having on others. Check it out! |
| they’re expressed, the more they’ll | | | | The above-mentioned piece ends with How will |
| be open to misinterpretation. | | | | you touch the life of someone today? |
| We can’t know what’s going on | | | | |